Our Reality
by SilentDaughter
Summary: What if Olivia's pregnancy test was a false negative? What does this mean for her career and her relationship with Brian Cassidy and her friends. What does this mean for the people she put away? This is my first try at L&O:SVU. Full info inside.


**Hello to all you L&O:SVU fans out there. This is my first attempt at an L&O, so forgive me if it doesn't live up to your expectations or isn't as good as some of the INCREDIBLY AMAZING L&O fics out there. **

**Just a warning, this is a BENSIDY story. I love Cassidy and Olivia together, so for my fic, they are together. For you Elliot fans, he will be making appearances throughout the story, so just hang in there. **

**And because this is my story, it is going to take place in season 13 after the first few episodes. Of course, I am moving the famed pregnancy test scene back a season or so, so I'll have fun messing with that. **

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. All characters belong to the amazing Dick Wolf. I don't intend to make any money from this story or any of my other stories, they're purely for entertainment purposes only. The only thing I own are a majority of the plot lines and the characters that aren't recognizable. **

**Finally, here's the beginning. ENJOY!**

* * *

><p>When I was growing up, there was so much I had looked forward to. Getting my dream job, being relatively respected and having close friends that I could rely on. Having a husband to come home to every night, a kid or two to greet me enthusiastically and tell me all about their day while we eat dinner and maybe put up a fight at bath time. But then at night, when my husband and I are tucking them in and kissing them goodnight, I'd hear them tell me they loved me. Then in my own bed, I'd be wrapped in my husband's arms, thinking back to everything I did that day, when he would snap me out of my musings with an 'I love you' of his own.<p>

But now, at almost 40, I only had the first three of those things. I had the job that has the ability to change someone's life and give them the justice they deserve. I had the respect of my fellow detectives and officers because of my seniority and because I earned that respect. I also have the kind of friendships that only a few lucky people have. I have the friendship and dependability of being partners with a man for the better part of twelve years, who probably knows more about me than our other friends do. I also have been friends with the same two women since we were practically in diapers, growing up on the same streets, growing in different homes only a handful of blocks from each other.

But when 90 percent of my adult life has been built on stability, does it now have to feel like someone's trapped me in a glass box and suspended me over an open cavern? Why now, of all the times in my life, do I feel so alone and cheated?

* * *

><p>I still can't believe it. After everything that's happened this week and all the stress and trouble that we've been in, I get news that is going to change my life, permanently. This was the kind of news I have been waiting all my life for, the news that a majority of women want to hear and they eventually do hear – if they're lucky. Now there was the difficult part. Telling Brian. He seemed so relieved after the last test came back negative, but now, faced with the reality that it was a false negative, his reaction and his decision could go one of two ways. He would stay, or he would leave without as much as a backward glance. I just hoped he would stay but I won't tie him down if he wants to leave.<p>

I glance at the hallway entrance when I hear the door open and close, followed by a series of noises as he took off his shoes and hung up his coat. I waited quietly until he appeared in the entrance way.

"Babe?" Brian's voice was quiet, unsure of I was sleeping or not. I didn't bother to turn on any of the lights in the apartment except one in the far corner, basking the room in a dull glow.

"Hi."

"Hi. You okay?" He asked as he came and settled down next to me, immediately wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I let myself relax into him, savoring what could be the last of his embraces. I nodded against his shoulder, draping my arm across his middle.

"I'm good. We finally caught the guy. Cragen gave us a week of mandatory vacation. Alex texted me earlier with the verdict." I said, relaxing myself further into his embrace.

"The guy gonna bake?" He asked, his breath tickling the top of my head.

"I wish. His lawyer took the death penalty off the table in exchange for the thirty five years Alex had originally gone for. He won't be seeing the outside for a long time." I told him. After working the last five and a half days just about non-stop had finally paid off. The week vacation was a bonus, but now I was able to sleep in my own bed and spend time with Brian.

We had only seen each other in passing these last few days, both being too busy to try to work at our relationship. He was always busy at IA and my last few cases have demanded my full attention. Knowing what I know now, I should have taken better care of myself. I sighed and reluctantly removed myself from Brian's embrace and to the other side of the couch, facing him. He shot me a confused look and I brought my hand up to sweep my hair back. It's now or never.

"You okay Liv?" His voice is smooth and worried, another reason why I had fallen for him again. He may seem like a hard ass and this big macho man, but he really was kind and gentle and sweet. It hurts knowing that I may never be able to hear that voice again, but if he leaves, I fully intent to do this on my own.

"We need to talk." I begin and monitor his face. He nods. There's nothing but silence for a short while.

"I'm pregnant." There, now it's out there. The big secret that had changed my life since my doctor told me this morning. He was silent for a few moments before his eyes met mine.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his voice soft. I nodded. I watched as he sat forward, resting his head in his hands. He was quiet for a while, a long while, and when the time had passed the twenty minute mark without him saying anything; I stood with a heavy heart and retreated to the solitude of our room. I closed the door behind me before stripping off the clothes I had worn for the last twelve hours and walking to the bathroom.

The shower was warm although I still felt a cold. I turned off the shower and dried off, brushing my hair before walking back into the bedroom, pulling on a clear pair of underwear, flannels, and a t-shirt. I climbed into bed and tried to force my mind to turn off. I just wanted to forget the last hour and what it could potentially mean for the future. Brian never came to bed that night.

* * *

><p>For a few moments, after I woke up, I half expected to find Brian lying next to me or in the bathroom getting ready for work. When my hand was greeted by cold sheets, I knew that we would become even more distant. When I finally got out of bed, I wasn't surprised when I found the bathroom empty as well as the rest of the apartment. There was a note on the kitchen bar.<p>

_Olivia,_

_Went into work early. I just need some time to process everything. I'll see you when I get home._

_-B_

I felt my heart squeeze painfully in my chest and tears pool in my eyes. I understood that he needed time to process what's considered a life changing thing, but I wished he would have told me in person, or at least have said goodbye. I folded the note and stuck it in the drawer next to the refrigerator. The junk drawer. I look around the kitchen, seeing only minimal evidence that Brian had spent any time in the kitchen. There was a bowl, a glass, and a spoon in the drying rack next to the sink. I only stayed long enough to make toast and a cup of tea before I retreat to the living room.

There was so much that needed to be done in the next few months. I needed to make an appointment with an OB/GYN to make sure the baby is okay. The baby. I am going to have a baby. I feel myself smile and rest my hands on my stomach. I'd have to start on pre-natal vitamins too. And start buying necessities in the next few months too.

Shit. Now I gotta tell Cragen which means he'll put me on desk duty immediately. I knew I'd fight that one and hold on as much as I could before having to ride my desk.

* * *

><p>I spent the rest of the day cleaning the apartment and finishing up the paperwork I brought home with me. I was sitting at the dining room table finishing up my last DD5 when I heard the front door open. I kept working and shuffling papers around, listening to Brian as he went through his little ritual. I felt him come to stand behind me and he put a bag down in front of me before he left. Down the hall, I could hear our bedroom door close.<p>

I stared at the bag for a few moments. It was a nondescript paper bag. I brought it closer to me and unfolded the top, reaching into the bag without looking first and pulled the cloth from the bag. I felt my eyes water when I realized what I was holding. Two newborn sized onesies. The first was a light purple that had 'Daddy's Little Princess' written in glitter and the second was a dark blue with 'Mama's Boy' stitched in white patchwork. I stood from the chair and walked to the bedroom, the onesies still in hand.

I opened the door and immediately spotted Brian, sitting on the edge of the foot of the bed, his head in his hands.

"Bri?" He lifted his head when I spoke his name. He stood and watched my movement closely, probably expecting me to yell or punch him for his shitty behavior. Instead, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his neck, sealing my lips over his.

Unlike the previous morning, I woke with Brian next to me, his arm wrapped securely around my waist.

"Mm. Good morning sunshine." He murmured against the back of my head.

"Morning." I settled back into his embrace. We were silent for a moment.

"You know I'm not going anywhere, right? You're stuck with me from now on." He said and I couldn't help but smile.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *

><p>The next few days pass seemingly well. I haven't told Cragen yet, or anyone but Brian, really. I also haven't made an appointment with an OB either. I had caught myself resting my hand over my middle, still a bit amazed that I had another whole life inside me and that the fact that I was finally becoming a mother.<p>

"Liv…Olivia!" I startled and turned to meet Casey's green eyes.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" I wasn't really sorry, but I knew she'd tease me about it later. She huffed and crossed her arms.

"I asked if you had any new evidence for the Rachael's case. Unless we get something – soon – then Jessup's going to get off." She reminded us, yet again. I was going to respond, but Fin beat me to it.

"Just got back from Warner's. She noticed that there was something off with the pattern of the bruises, so she ran the MO through the system, and guess what she found?" He paused for a brief moment for effect.

"She found four other cold cases with the exact same MO that happened in the last year. The perp left DNA at the last murder and this perp also left his DNA. Well guess what, both DNA samples match Jessup. Warner's going through the other three cases to see if there was any DNA found." Fin tossed the folders onto my desk and I handed them over to Elliot once I finished flipping through the different pages.

"Good job Fin. Elliot, you and Fin go talk to our guy. Munch go see if there's anything you can do at the ME's office. Liv, my office." And with that, Cragen turned on his heel and walked back to his office. I met the confused looks of my friends.

"What'd you do to piss dad off?" Casey asked and I shot her a look before going to Cragen's office.

"Cap?"

"Close the door Olivia." He rarely full named me anymore. I closed the door behind me and stood in front of his desk.

"Are you okay? You seem to be more distracted than usual lately." He began. I sighed and rubbed my forehead before crossing my arms over my chest.

"I uh…I'm, I'm pregnant." There. I said it. Cragen was silent for a long while, his head down. Finally, he looked back up to me.

"When?" He asked. I wasn't really sure if he was asking when I found out or how far along I was.

"I had an appointment last week. My doctor said I was about nine weeks, well ten weeks now, I guess." His head snapped up.

"You've known for a week and you haven't told me? You should have been here riding your desk, not chasing perps down with Elliot!" Cragen's voice had gotten louder the longer he ranted. He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets.

"I'm happy for you, I really am, but as of today, you're stuck on desk duty. No going out with the guys and I'm limiting you to interrogations. We need you and the baby safe and healthy." I didn't bother arguing and I smiled at his last sentiment. I nodded and shifted my weight from foot to foot.

"Have you told the guys yet?" He asked and I shook my head.

"No one else knows besides you and Brian. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna tell 'em. And I kinda like having a secret like this. I just need a few days to talk to Brian before we tell anyone else." I admitted and Cragen nodded.

"I'll hold off on sending your papers, let you tell the rest of the guys first before they hear it through the grapevine." I sighed, this time in relief. The captain sat down at his desk and I made my way towards the door but before I could leave, Cragen's voice called me back.

"Liv."

"Yeah?"

"Take care of yourself." He said and turned away, focusing on the paperwork in front of him. I smiled to myself before heading back to the squad room. Content to be running background checks and running back and forth to Casey's office.

* * *

><p><strong>There you have it, the first chapter! Please tell me what you think so far and if you lovely readers like the story, then I will continue.<strong>

**A/N: Rollins and Amaro won't be making an appearance until a little ways into the story, however, Alex and Casey fans will be pleased that they will be making a regular appearance throughout. There might be a few short chapters will they won't appear, but I'll try to keep that few and far between. Fin, Munch, and Cragen will also make appearances, too. **

**Now to the last of my ramblings, the pairings goes as follows, [Brian and Olivia] : [Elliot and Kathy] : [Alex and Casey]. Yes I am aware that Alex and Casey have been asked out by men in at least one episode in the series, but I also like them together, so if you have a problem or homophobic, then I suggest you suck it up and read or find a story. I don't mean or intend to offend someone one, I'm just being completely honest.**

**Until next time,**

**-SilentDaughter**


End file.
